Ik hou van je

I opened the door to my empty apartment. It has been like this for the past few days and I’m getting insane. Thinking of where he could be sleeping gives me a chill on my spine. I went to my bedroom and removed all my clothes and put on his shirt, not bothering to wear anything under it. 

No, don’t even think about it.

I need to calm down and act like a matured adult about this, surely he won’t cheat on me because of a stupid argument. And technically, it wouldnt be considered cheating because I’m the one who ended things.

Aaaargh! I screamed in anger. I’m mad at myself, how could I let him go?

I went to the fridge and got a bottle of beer. Then sighed in frustration when I couldnt find the bottle opener in the cabinets. God damn it.

 He knows how to open this without an opener. 

I know I should really stop thinking about him, but knowing is different from actually doing it.

Annoyed at myself, I prepared a vodka instead. I barely drink nowadays. But although I never really liked drinking, I need to stop thinking. I sat on my sofa with a glass of vodka in my hand.

He has never left me alone before, even when we fight. This is the first time that he let days pass without talking to me. I blushed, remembering what he does to make up with me.

I closed my eyes to stop myself, but I saw him. His eyes, which is the first thing I noticed about him.  His eyes are perfect, light green with a hint of blue. What I like about it the most is how he looks at me. He looks at me with hunger, with possessiveness and with kindness. Even when I’ve hurt him, I can see the longing in his eyes. My god, I miss his eyes. I remember his eyes when he’s mad, happy, turned on, when he’s comi- I stopped myself.
I opened my eyes and he is gone. I cried. I want him so much. I chastised myself, why do I push people away? What if he never goes back? Can I really live without him?

I took another gulp of vodka. Now that he’s gone, I keep remembering the things I like about him. I know, I’m really the Queen Bitch. I could make thousands of excuses, but right now it doesn’t matter.

His lips, my god, his perfectly carved lips is what I miss the most. And the way he says my name, fuck. I can only imagine the things he does to me with those pretty lips.

I closed my eyes again and this time I let my hands travel down to my breasts. Imagining his lips enclosing at the sides of my breasts..

“Baby, I miss you” I whispered to myself. I didn’t mind the tears falling down on my cheeks. I willed him to come back, to tell me that he forgives me for pushing him away but I know it doesn’t work that way.

I squirmed as I my left hand pinched the little buds on my breasts. His. It was used to be his, my body was used to be his. And he did cherished it. What have I done?

Eyes still closed, I allowed my right hand to travel my body further. I sighed as my fingers caressed my stomache. He loved me, maybe a little too much for me to handle but I realize now that he did. He loved me and my silly attitude, he loved my body just the way it is even though i wouldnt mind getting some curves removed. He loved me, even when I’m full of jealousy and insecurity. Sadly, i might have pushed him away for good. Maybe it’s for the better. He is a good man and I could never deserve him.

I moaned as my fingers touched the little bud between my legs. Thinking of him is enough to make me wet. I gently pinched my clit as i thought of his mouth and remember the way he swirls his tonhue around it. I miss how he makes me feel good, how he plays with my pussy with such gentleness and longing. I miss running my fingers through his hair, how he would look at me and tell me to say his name while he shows his love for me. He rarely said the words but I felt it through his actions.

“I need you my love,” I whispered. I felt the heat in my core rising. I can feel the blood pumping in my veins, I feel alive. It’s surprising that he can make me feel like this even when he’s not around. I feel my pleasure rising.

I heard a knock on my door. My door. It’s not our door anymore, it’s just me, alone. I opened my eyes and I’m back in reality. I looked around and saw rain drops in my window. I didn’t notice the temperature dropped, I still feel hot. I stood up, looked myself in the mirror. I’m blushing but i blushed even more when I saw I looked so aroused. My nipples are poking in his shirt, the hem is hanging just above my thighs that if i bend over, my ass would show.

I heard a knock again, this time louder and faster and urgent. I cringed, I dont need anyone to see me at this state right now. And another knock. My god, whoever this is, is persistent.

I walked to the door and became conscious at my nipples which are poking through my shirt. I covered my breasts using my left hand. I opened the door and saw him. I saw a wet version of him, probably from the rain. I stood there and stared at him. He still looks hot but judging from the emotions in his eyes, he is irritated. I dont know how long I’ve been staring at him, but it’s enough to put an awkward silence between us.

“Can I please come in?”

I moved to the side and gave him way.

“This is not the right time to take your stuff, you should have called me first” I said while walking towards the kitchen. “Do you want a beer or coffee?” I said as I bent over and rummaged inside the refrigerator.

I felt him behind me before I saw him. I mentally killed myself for forgetting my almost nude state.

“What were you doing before I came in?” he asked with curiosity.

I blused so hard, knowing he knows my after sex look. I stood straight and faced him, “I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

“God damn it, Ivy. Have you been fucking someone?” He ran into our bedroom. My bedroom, I mean. He went through every room in our apartment to check if there’s someone.

I smiled to myself. I walked to the sofa, but I cant help feeling the slick wetness in between me. If he would only look at it, he will see how turned on I am right now. I tried to fix my shirt and pull it in front of me but it only exposes my ass.

He went inside the living room and found me fidgeting and looking so uncomfortable. I sat in the sofa and drank the remaining vodka in my glass.

“Since when do you drink?” he asked.

“Why are you here?” I asked, annoyed at him.

“I’m here to take what’s mine,” he said.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didnt really expect him to come at my door and beg for me to take him back. It was my fault, I was the bitch who pushed him away. But the pain i felt took me by surprise. This is going to be the end of our story, another chapter of my life I wished I could prolong but didnt have the capacity to do so. He is finally leaving me. I closed my eyes and waited for the reality to hit me. Now I know why they call it a broken heart. My heart feels like it has been crushed to a million pieces. It hurts that I can almost feel the physical pain of losing him.

“Okay,” I whispered. What a lame response, but I cannot talk more. I dont want to cry in front of him, it was my decision to end this in the first place anyway. 

I felt him kneel beside me. And just like that, the flood gates opened. I cried. All my walls are crushing, my pride deteriorating. As much as I hate to admit, I need him in my life. Not just because all the wonderful things he make me feel but because he makes me want to do wonderful things to my life as well. He has been my anchor for a long time, I can no longer imagine a life without him.

He held my chin and make me look at his eyes. I looked at his, searching for any sign that he is finally done with me but I saw his love.

“Babe, you are mine” he said then he kissed me. If I can describe a kiss through words, this kiss would be desperation, longing, possessiveness.

He placed both of his hands on my face and I kissed him back with the same passion. My hard nipples poking and touching his chest, my thighs apart because I have his body in between my legs.

“Don’t push me away again, ever” he said.

“Forgive me, baby” I said while tears are strolling down my face. I looked at him and saw tears in his eyes too. It was unclear before but I can now say I am irrevocably inlove with him. Maybe that’s what pain is all about, to clear our minds and let us realize the things we are too afraid to see.

“Baby, I love you” he said.

“Shhh, I know, you dont need to tell me” I said.

“God damn it woman, listen to me for once” he said. “It’s bullshit that you’re upset that I want you only for your body. I want your body, nothing will ever change that.” he added.

“I will never stop longing for you, we need to make that clear. You make me feel so good, and when I’m inside you, nothing else really matter, just you.”

He kissed me gently. “This mouth of yours.. I can think of a million ways on what to do with it but what I love the most is what comes out of it. The words you tell me and even your silence is enough to make me love you.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks again. “Your eyes.. The way it shows your emotions like an open book amazes me. Right now, I can tell that you’re sorry and you want me.” he said and then smirked.

“You are so beautiful, even when you cry. But I dont want to see you cry again.” 

“My love,” I said. My voice is hoarse from crying so I have to clear my throat. “I’m sorry for being a bitch. I didn’t want you to leave me, I never wanted anyone else, and I am definitely not fucking someone right now. I only want you.”

“I know. I can hear you sighing my name outside the door baby.” he smirked again.

I blushed again and looked away from him. He held my hand and brought it to his lips. He sucked my fingers so I had to look at him again. I dont think I’ve ever seen this erotic in my life. I gasped while staring at my fingers that he’s sucking.

“Delicious,” he said. He smiled at me like he’s got an evil plan. I’ve missed his naughty smile.

He moved his fingers at the hem of my shirt and pulled it. I’m now naked in front him. He’s still kneeling in between of my legs. I let his hands travel my thighs and the inside of it. I’m not ashamed of how wet I am anymore. I’m not afraid to show him how much I want him.

He started massaging my clit with his right thumb. He inserted 2 fingers using his other hand.

“Baby,” I moaned.

He kept a steady rhythm on my clit and started moving his other fingers in a come-hither-like position.

“Fuck, you are so wet.” he said. “Don’t come yet.” he commanded.

I tried so hard to prolong this without having an orgasm, but he’s making me insane.

I looked at him, almost begging with my eyes.

“Not yet,” he said. He put his face in front of my pussy and started to inhale it.

“My god..” he said.

Instead of his hands, he is now using his tongue to play with my pussy.

I’m never the kind of girl who always gets what she wants, but he seems to know and predict me like an open book. Everything I need and want is given. I moaned, feeling lucky that I have this man in my life.

It’s so hot and Im having a hard time avoiding an orgasm. I placed my hand through his soft hair, and bit my other hand. I cried without a sound because of the pleasure he is giving me. My body is shaking and I can feel my walls clinging on his fingers that are still coming in and out of me. For a moment, we cant hear anything but the sound of him licking and fingering me.

“Please,” I said.

“Please, what?” he said and continued licking me, this time with more intensity and faster rhythm.

“Daddy please, I want to come so bad” I begged him.

“I dont know princess, you’ve been a very bad girl lately” he said and stopped everything he’s doing. 

“Daddy, I need you” i begged him.

“Show me,” he said.

He stood up, unbuckled his belt, pulled his pants off, spread his legs and sat down at the other side of our sofa. I watched him stroking his huge dick up and down.

I crawled to him and positioned myself between his legs. I kissed his thighs and travelled my lips until the inside of his thighs. I licked and bit an area on his skin and I can feel his dick jump in excitement.

Some girls think pleasuring their man like this is degrading but I disagree. There is a power whenever we kneel on front of our man. I placed my hand over his while he is still stroking his cock. I put my tounge out and licked his balls. I sucked it and tried to fit it in my mouth while stroking his cock. This time, he let me do the work and used his hands to remove my hair out of the way. I looked at him. He is watching me intently, following every swirl of my tongue on his balls.

My other hand, which is on his thighs started travelling to his inner thighs. My fingers found his small pinkish asshole.

I looked at him and I saw him panic.

“My love, allow me please.” I said.

He gulped and sighed, closed his eyes and whispered, “Okay.”

I sucked the tip of his cock while massaging small circles on the opening of his ass. I looked at him, he is watching my every move, every swirl of my tongue, every touch of my hand, and I can here him moan under my touch.

Surprising him, I suddenly sucked every inch of him inside my mouth and inserted 1 finger in his ass. I couldnt hold back any longer so I jerked off his cock using my mouth, at the same time finger his ass in a fast rhythm.

He held my hair tighter and said, “Don’t make me come yet.”

At this rate I’m already dripping wet and extremely turned on by his surrender. I sucked him with enthusiasm while looking at his eyes.

He closed his eyes, he seemed to gather all his strength and told me, “Enough.”

He gripped my hair so tight, I thought my hair would fall off. He positioned me in the sofa, made me position on my knees and then hit my ass hard. I screamed as an exquisite pain lingers on my ass cheeks.

“You seem to never learn, Ivy” he said.

He inserted 2 fingers inside me and fucked me with great force, I almost immediately orgasm. But remembering his command, I hold it off for a while.

“When I tell you to stop,” he said with a cracked voice. He cleared his throat, “You will stop.”

“I’m sorry my love,” I begged. I dont want to displease him. I needed to come so badly.

He removed his fingers from my pussy and placed it in his mouth. After that he kissed me from behind. I can taste him and myself. It’s so fucking hot tasting myself in his mouth. He slid his cock inside me while kissing me.

He wasn’t my first, I admit I’ve had my fair share of experiences before but what we have right now is one of a kind. I melt to his every touch, he’s the only one that made me feel like this. Still on my knees, I moaned when all of him is completely inside me. I looked behind me and found him looking at my face. Slowly, he moved. Inside and out, he moved in a steady slow rhythm.

He scratched his nails on my back and hit my ass harder with his hands.

It didn’t take long for my orgasm to build up, his fingers seeked my clit and then massaged with a fast rhythm. He whispered to me, “My love, come for me.”

“Ik hou van je,” he said.

“Mahal kita,” I said.

I came in a slow steady wave of orgasm. I didnt know how long it went on but he rode the wave with me. He kept fucking me. Just when I thought my orgasm will end, he made me lie down on my back. Facing him, I moaned when he spread my legs and immediately fucking me with such force and speed. His hands went to my breasts to squeeze it, it hurts a little because it has been bouncing this entire time but i dont care. I arched my back to give him full access to my body but instead he put his hands on my neck.

“I am yours, my love” I said.

“Damn right woman, you are mine.”

He held my neck tighter, but all I felt was love and trust. This extremely delicious handsome man wants me and only me for some odd reason. I looked at him with such longing. And I want him too with every fiber of my being.

Sensing my upcoming orgasm, I could not hold back any longer. I can see in his eyes that he is about to come too. I moaned. He is all that I want and I cant imagine myself being with someone else.
“I love you,” I said. And we both came like a tidal wave. 


IV. Confessions of a mistress: You can’t have him during holidays.

February 13. 7:46 pm.

“You didn’t have to.” He’s smiled at me. All the exhaustion from cooking and preparing a dinner for him faded with his smile. Seeing that smile makes all the effort worth it. I already know I can’t have him on Valentine’s day, but tonight is ours. I held his hand and led him to my dining table. His eyes are twinkling while the candle light is dancing in his eyes. I love his eyes. I was wearing his favorite dress. A navy blue with white polka dots. I can feel his eyes on my ass while I’m getting our food from the kitchen.

“You really did all of this?” He asked.
“For you,” I said. I am fidgeting. I’m not that great of a cook, but I learned a thing or two from my grandfather. He got his backpack and brought out a tequila.

“So.. You planned on getting me drunk tonight?” I said. He smirked at me. God, I love that smirk.
“Only if you promise to be a good girl and follow your master tonight,” he said. I gulped. Can I just melt right here, right now?
“I’m always a good girl. I promise.” i said.

He sat and settled himself in my dining area like he doesnt want to be anywhere else right now. I placed our food on the table. I cooked Caldereta for us. It’s basically sauteed beef with tomato sauce and potatoes. And then tendered using a pressure cooker. It took time and patience but I know it’s worth it. He smelled it while I stood at his side, waiting for his reaction.

“Wow.. It’s basically saying come and indulge. And I definitely would. Thank you for this honey.” He said while giving a quick kiss on my lips. He stood up and smirked at me.

“Now, face the wall and put your hands against it,” he commanded. I was stunned. “Don’t make me say it twice,” He added.

I immediately faced the wall and slowly placed my hands against it. I can feel the cold marble in my hands while his warm hands is on my tummy.

“Stick your ass out for me,” he said with a hoarse voice. God, my control will snap by just hearing his voice.

“Please,” I said while I wiggle my ass in front him. I can feel his hardness inside his pants. It always amazes me how attracted I am to him. He barely touched me and I’m already a mess.

“You promised to be a good girl,” he said. “You will get your reward soon,” he added with a kiss on my cheeks.

I felt his hand in my tummy, going to the lower side unto the hem of my dress which is about 4 inches from my knees. He raised the hem using his right hand while his left is slowly getting my hair out of the way from my neck. I am breathing hard. Why, this is so fucking hot.

I heard him gasp and I smiled. I know he knew I’m smiling but I don’t care. He discovered my little secret, lace.

I wouldn’t let myself be unprepared. 3 days prior to this moment, I bought a new pair of lace panties. Nothing too daring, but I found a black pair of lace bikini with a black bra designed with lace and ribbons. I can still remember the moment I went inside the lingerie store. I was blushing. When I saw it, I thought about what his reaction is going to be. The sales lady, bless this woman, was right when she told me that although this lingerie costs an entire month’s paycheck, this piece of clothing would be worth it.

“Fuck,” I heard him muttered more to himself than to me and felt his palms hit my ass cheeks. I heard myself gasp, feeling a bit of pain from his strike but I also felt my insides spasm. I love this man.

He suddenly held both of my hands which were still placed against the wall. I felt the other hand hitting my ass the again. I moaned a little to loud while feeling the exquisite pain. I bit my lip. I know I’m not supposed to be turned on by his assault but there’s something erotic about enjoying something you shouldn’t. Maybe I’m not a good girl at all.

I wiggled my ass again but this time instead of feeling his hardness, I earned another smack on my butt cheeks.

“Don’t move baby,” he said with a hoarse voice. I squirmed, a little impatient. I don’t want any preliminaries, I want him to fuck me against the wall as hard as he can until I scream.

“I need you,” I murmured, keeping my voice low. If I talk louder, he would know I’m desperate for him to fuck me.

“What a greedy little sweet thing,” he whispered on my ear. While still holding both my hands with his left arm, he buried his face the back of my neck and inhaled my scent. His other hand is removed my panties then removed my dress. With a quick snap on my bra, he was able to remove it as well.

He kissed me on my neck and bit the skin there. And there it is again, it was so painful that I cried out. Then his tongue soothed the skin to ease the pain so my cries were replaced with moans.

“Baby, please..” I said with a little desperation. “You are killing me,” I added.

“That’s good. You can now imagine what tou do to me,” he said.

What an exasperating bastard. I tried to move away from him but he kept both of my arms locked against the wall.

“Don’t. Move.” He said. His other hand pinched my nipples so I cried out again. “This is what you do to me. You frustrate me everytime I see you. I want you, and I don’t fucking care if this is wrong. I will have you anyway I can.” He murmured in my ears.

I moved around and face him. His lips were on my lips at that same moment. His tongue was demanding to take what he could get and I was more than welcome to give him everything I can.

His lips moved down to my suck at my neck. “You are mine,” he said while marking where his lips were. I moaned my agreement. I am fucking his. I felt his tongue playing with my nipples with the right amount of pressure and speed. He always knew what I need. I am about to orgasm by just feeling his tongue on my nipples when his mouth went down to my navel. I am hyperventilating. I knew what he’s about to do and I wanted it so badly.

His nose was touching my clit and I heard him inhale my scent. Down there.
“So fucking intoxicating, so fucking wet for me, this is mine,” he whispered with urgency in his voice.

What a wrong yet erotic thing to do. I placed my hand on his hair and I almost pushed his face to me. Almost.

“Tell me what you want me to do,” he said. I moaned in protest. I’m not the demanding one. I can’t, it’s so wrong to say the words out loud.

“Please.. I cant,” I begged.

“Say it or I will stop,” he demanded.

I cried out to him. I fucking hate this man.

“I want you to use your tongue on my pussy,” I whispered.

“Louder,” he said.

“Put your fucking tongue on my pussy!” I cried as I closed my eyes.

He smiled and was more than happy to comply. His tongue was on my clit within seconds and was moving on a fast rhythm. I knew then that I wouldn’t last long. The teasing part had been so damned intense and I can already feel my cream coming out of me. He increased the pressure of his tongue but this time inserted his middle finger on my pussy. I was surprised and was cursing a string of uncomprehending words. I didn’t know if I was praying or cursing, didn’t know if I was in being lifted to the heavens or brought to damnation. All I know that my upcoming orgasm will be the end of me. This man would be the death of me.

He added another finger, this time fucking me with two fingers and added pressure on my clit using his tongue.

“Open your eyes, look at me,” he demanded.

I opened my eyes and looked straight into his brown eyes.

I love you.

And I let go. All my inhibitions were gone and nothing else mattered. It’s just me and him.

Again, I had a moment to decide if I would give everything I have or not. My brain said I shouldn’t, but I gave up myself to him anyway.

“Yours,” I said with a cracked voice. I cleared my throat and repeated. “I’m yours baby,” I said with a sense of urgency. He knew what I meant. I need him. I don’t need any preliminaries, I want us. I want to feel us together.

“Fuck,” he said. He stood up, faced my against the wall. I felt his hardness entering me and I was a mess. I don’t know if I was cursing myself for being a wanton or praying to the god of heavens for him to fuck me faster.

He pushed our bodies against the wall and showed me how strong a man can be. His right hand is caging both my hands against the wall, while his other hand is on my clit, rubbing it in a fast rhythm while his lips is sucking on my neck. I can’t handle the pleasure. He kept me on the edge for so long until he push me off the cliff. I was shattered. Incoherent words are coming out of my mouth while holding on to his hands and feeling the cold marble on my palms.

I am his, there is no turning back. He ruined me for other men.

It took a while for me to recover. Any movement he make makes me shudder with pleasure. I haven’t experienced anything like this before. He took everything I can give.

He carried me to my bed. Kissed my forehead and went to the bathroom. Love, as my parents said, is a give and take relationship. My mom once told me to find the right person and never hesitate to give my everything because the right person would do the same for me too. If this is love I’m feeling, why do I feel empty after giving everything? Is it suppose to feel this way? I placed my arm on top of my head to cover my eyes. I felt the sting as the first tear fell on my left eye. He went out of the bathroom with a wet towel on his hand. He started to clean me up, to clear yhe evidence of our love making, hoping to erase the guilt that is starting to slowly creep on us. Why can’t I have him on valentine’s day? That’s because I know my place. Valentines is a day when forbidden relationships like this shouldn’t exist. It is a day for lucky women, so they csn celebrate the relationships they take for granted. I can love him too, maybe even better than she does.

He removed my arm, kissed my eyes and lies down with me, spooning me.

I turned and faced him. “Stay,” I murmured.

“Baby, you know I can’t.” He kissed the pulse in my arms to sweeten the sting of his rejection. I didn’t know this could be bittersweet.

“I can love you too,” I said. “You know I can,” I added, almost begging. I can’t help it. I’m now crying.

I can see he was taken aback. This was supposed to be purely physical.

He stood up, got dressed without a word. I was waiting for the rejection, I never expected him to leave his family for me. But I got nothing. Not a word, not even another look from him. As if I am worth even an explanation why we can’t be together.

I watched him go to the door, gently closing it. I sat up and looked at the window. It’s raining. I watched him get to his car. I watched the teardrops on my window play with other before falling.

Maybe it would be best, if we don’t say any goodbye at all.